Toliet tissue snob

I never thought I’d learn so much about toilet paper. An admitted toilet tissue snob, I was long ago a Northern Tissue kind of gal. Charmin was then a one-ply, lesser contender; and I turned up my nose, despite the cute commercials about squeezing. --- Which would likely be politically incorrect these days. At some point, the balance tipped. The Charmin folks wised up, stepped up, and upped their game with a second ply. I changed allegiance, no contest. I’ve remained faithful for years, not even tempted to stray. Well, once maybe with Sam’s Club brand, but it didn’t mean anything. Tempted, but caved at the last minute, grabbed the Charmin and ran.

So shortages unexpectedly hit, and the paper goods shelves began to resemble Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard. This took me by surprise! I’m not the kind of person who ever runs out of anything. Zack’s motto is’ “If one is good, two are better”. I concur. This may be why we get along so well, although he likes Scott brand, so what does he know? We still had a few rolls put by, but I prudently decided to pick up more, just in case.

I didn’t realize the hunt for the only acceptable brand would be so challenging. Toilet paper--- who knew? Seriously? My favorite remained elusive until last week. So for almost two months, I’d venture out like everyone else, only to have my hopes dashed. Even arriving at the opening bell, meagre available supplies--- especially of the good stuff--- were often depleted before I made my way to that aisle. I wasn’t willing to knock down other shoppers in some crazed, mad senior version of bumper cars. Fighting over the last roll of just any kind of TP isn’t my style.

As our personal stock diminished, I settled for whatever I could get. After all, how long could such craziness last? Lost that bet. One day when I had no TP success, I spied a bottle of rubbing alcohol. You’d have thought I stuck gold! Another time I happened to snag the last three-pack of disinfectant wipes. Hooray! Hadn’t seen them before and haven’t seen them since. Another shortage that continues to this day --- and still astounds me--- is bar soap. For a while, there was almost none of any brand. A few have returned, but not those really great-smelling Old Spice bars. They may be made for men, but I’ve always liked the woodsy-fragrances. Why’s there a run on soap? Or is it--- like toilet tissue, baking yeast, disinfectant spray, and isopropyl alcohol--- only going from distributors and manufacturers to the big chain stores? I cry foul!

It helped a bit with availability of items like bread, milk, bleach and flour when stores cracked down on the Black Market Wannabees--- hoarders emptying shelves into vans full of the most sought-after brands of paper goods and other fast-disappearing items. By then, prices had risen on most things.

By the time I pragmatically decided that trying a different brand wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, the stores established a one package limit on TP --- be it four rolls or a dozen, regular, double or mega. I thought that was per transaction, but at one store, it was per day. ---Learned that the hard way when I visited a second time to grab a package for my neighbor. The young cashier politely informed me that he was unable to sell me the product, as I’d met my daily allotment. What a memory! And an assertive personality too! That kid will go far. I recommend a career in the military--- felt as if I’d had my wrist slapped. That’s the closest I’ve been to embarrassed in years.

Each week, I’d try to find a passably acceptable variety and buy my one package. In this way, I learned more than I ever wanted to know about toilet paper. The good stuff goes farther than the cheaper.

You’d think that was a no-brainer. And lesser brands practically fall apart during use. I don’t know how they get away with selling that stuff.

For weeks, I made do with lesser options. Although some were better than others, I defaulted to my original choice when the opportunity presented itself. ---Creature of habit and all that, but my market survey rendered incontrovertible evidence and reinforced my previous convictions. The old adages ring true--- different strokes for different folks. And you really do get what you pay for.